Happiness is a Decision

We will be moving out of the house we are now living in 10 days from now and I woke up almost in tears this morning.  This happened to me the last morning I was living in Jamaica: I literally woke up crying and sobbing in fear, sadness, and anxiety.  Today wasn't as intense, but my level of frustration, fear, and anxiety finally let itself be known.  I love my calm, rational, patient husband who walks through this time with me, but feel sorry for him because he is taking more of the storm than any other one person in my life has had to take before (even more than my overused-but-very-helpful mother, who has lived through every move I've made).

I read astrology for fun, for hope, for reassurance even; I know that it is fallible, but so are all sciences to a certain extent (mind you, I am a social scientist, but remain critical of people ever thinking that anything is absolute truth).  When Rob and I got married, I read many of the astrology websites that talk about the love connection between the two of us - and I laughed!  So much of it says that I, as a Cancer, will not like change and will always be happiest in my shell - safe at home with very few surprises.  Rob and I are not supposed to be a good (or easy, at least) match because his Sagittarius sign leads him to adventure and exploration, always on the move and wanting to see more.  The reason I laugh is because I am the one who has lived abroad and I am the one who has a degree in anthropology, leading me to want to explore as many cultures as we can during this lifetime!

The thing about it, though, is that while I am O.K. once change happens - I do NOT like the build-up to the change... at all.

There are still so many things to sell in this house and we still have a 41-year-old car and too-small-for-what-we-want-to-do sailboat to sell, both of which are our "big ticket" items that will ensure we have a boat and some savings.  There are boxes and storage containers that are half-filled, over-flowing, and empty scattered throughout every room of this house.  There are clothes in different stages of cleaned, folded, packed, headed to the garage, and just sitting there waiting on us to decide their fate.  We have about 1/3 of the money we were hoping to have saved by the time we set sail and I haven't been as diligent as I was going to be - and should have been - about really scouring Grants.gov for possible sources of income (I did look into U of Phoenix - they're not looking for someone like me), which makes me kick myself in the ass for not being more diligent.  This inevitably brings on the war between living in and taking care of the present versus preparing for the future, stalling my every attempt to do anything. So, at the end of the day when SO much needed to get done, nothing has been accomplished, making me more frustrated and scared, which starts up the cycle again.  Every. F-in'. DAY.

All of this is on top of the "WHAT THE CRAP ARE WE DOING?!?!" that runs occasionally through my brain, because - let's face it - this is not something that too many people do.  And, those who do it usually retire after decades of working and have a nice nest egg that gets them through the cruising!  AND, they usually have more sailing experience than we have had time to gather, a rule which has some exceptions but not many.  (Please do not think for one second that these thoughts deter me from what we are doing - they are mainly just one of the MANY voices running through my head right now.)

External to my home - which I feel trapped in sometimes since we are down to one legal car - there are the stresses and pressures of events of other people in my life.  Here is where I have screwed up lately: my brother's wedding is coming up and I have allowed the stresses we are going through to spill over into the joyful stress of this and other happy and great occasions.  In fact, I have had a rather piss-poor attitude about so much lately and I usually don't even realize it until after I've spewed words or thoughts of dislike, disgust, frustration, or some other negative aspect of how to approach life.  While I try to keep the negativity to a select few people who I love and trust with the rare glimpse of me being so very negative, they don't deserve to put up with that kind of negativity.  And, the fact is, it doesn't stay contained to them - other people hear about my negativity and get effected by it, too.  None of them deserve that kind of negativity.

What I figured out (or was reminded of) today is very important and very monumental for every human: I don't deserve that kind of negativity either.  Nobody does.

So, in order to salvage the last month Rob and I will be here, I am making a concerted effort the decision to be positive and to be the better person I know I have in me.  I want to not only have fun, but to make memories with my large and expanding family that I will be happy to reminisce on when I get homesick and lonely for them.  I want them to be glad that I am following my heart and not just glad that I am gone.  I want them to know - truly know - that Rob and I are following the one and only path we know to true happiness for us right now and that this decision has been over a year in the making.  I think that my expressions of frustration and impatience have been the antithesis of everything Rob and I are doing: they don't show the happiness and excitement we have about living the most laid-back and adventurous dream we could imagine together.

"True happiness is of a retired nature, 

and an enemy to pomp and noise; 

it arises from... friendship and 

conversation of a few select companions."

~ Joseph Addison

I have ten whole days to do less than what I have been able to accomplish in two days in the past.  We are finally going to take a drive down to the Florida coast starting September 1st to find the boat we will buy - our first large co-purchase and the first home we are buying as individuals/a couple (not to mention we're going to the beach!!!).  We are in a place to get to spend some quality time with our loved ones before we leave, meaning that we get to shower them with all the love we have to give them.  And, these are times of wonderful change in the lives of so many that we love - I want to CELEBRATE the weddings, the beginnings of new life in a friend's womb, and the graduation well-earned from years of hard work!

 
My hope is that by focusing on these aspects, these happinesses (nope, not a real word - and I don't care), the smiles and love I see on the faces of my family, I hope that I will not have time to get caught up in the anxieties of getting packed or finding "the perfect boat".  I hope to feel the riches of love and joy rather than focus on the fear of lack of money: I have faith that we'll be fine financially, but I would be poor in my soul if I were to cause any more frowns due to doubt.  My goal is to remember that the effects of my attitude do not stop at me.  And, at this time, I would not only be hurting myself if I allowed an  attitude of negativity: I would be hurting the people who mean more than the world to me.





These articles helped me today and I recommend people take a look at them if you are looking for a little more happiness in your life (and, really, who isn't?):

Is Your Inner Suffering Standing in the Way of Happiness? Increase your self-compassion.

Train Yourself to Be Happier